


Mean Something to Me Again

by argentress



Series: Pretty Sounds [9]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: (but someday I’ll give the three of them the fic they deserve), (just a quick mention of jenshler), (like if you blink you’ll miss it), Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Boxing, Established Relationship, F/F, Polyamory, References to Depression, References to anxiety, Trench Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-17 14:32:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18967159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/argentress/pseuds/argentress
Summary: Tyler has a bad day.  Jos helps.





	Mean Something to Me Again

**Author's Note:**

> I had a really bad day yesterday, and the idea of punching something was very appealing. I wrote this instead. I don't know squat about boxing, please forgive me.

Tyler wakes up alone.

Jos’ side of the bed is empty; the older girl no doubt already on her morning run, and usually it’s fine. Tyler stays up late, Jos gets up early, and somewhere around noon they meet for lunch and “good morning.” But today the bed feels cold, Tyler can’t banish the last vestiges of her nightmare, and all she wants is for Jos to slide her warm arms around her and pull her close. Instead she settles for a hot shower and Jos’ shampoo.

It helps, but the day starts on a sour note.

She still hasn’t had the time to completely set up a studio in their apartment in LA. There always seems to be something more pressing, and the makeshift set-up in the guest room remains. It’s never quite quiet enough, but she can usually work past it, getting so engrossed in what she’s doing that it doesn’t really matter. Today every time a car goes by she completely loses the rhythm, and when Jim walks across the hardwood floors she has to stop herself from yelling at him.

Which only succeeds in making her feel worse, when he curls up under the desk and puts his chin on her feet. She tries to take five deep breaths every time she has to start over, just like Jos is always reminding her.

Nothing wants to cooperate. The notes are wrong, she can’t find the words she’s trying to say, and everything gets louder in her head. When it’s so close, just on the tip of her tongue, it’s like her mind can feel the coming release, and pounds endlessly against her skull.   She picks up the uke, hoping something soft and wieldy will help, and breaks a string. Actually breaks a fucking string. Tyler looks down at the blood beading up from her index finger, caught in the recoil, and doesn’t quite believe it.

They’re out of Band-Aids.

By one o’clock Jos still hasn’t returned, and Tyler’s about to get worried before she remembers to check the calendar. There’s her answer, clear as day: _Lunch with Brendan_. She knows Jos told her, knows she has no right to be upset, but still she seethes with jealousy for a full minute before she gets a grip on herself. She makes herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but finds she can’t even do that right. There’s too much peanut butter and it sticks to the roof of her mouth, choking her with every bite. 

She throws it in the trash, not even half finished.

Jenna calls around two. Things at home are good, she checked in on Tyler’s parents and they even convinced her to stay for lunch. Tyler feels the familiar stab of guilt in not telling them the full extent of her, Jos, and Jenna’s relationship, and ends up snapping at Jenna instead. They think Jenna’s just a friend, why does she bother? Jenna gets quiet and Tyler hates herself for it, and not even her quick apology feels like enough.

Jenna asks her if she’s getting enough sleep, and Tyler lies, says she’s fine. She knows Jenna doesn’t believe her. She wishes the younger girl was here, with them, reminding Tyler just how fucking loved she is. Instead she feels alone.

By three thirty she can’t take it much more. Nothing is going right. She can’t make a song work, can’t stop running over the album in her mind, thinking about how she should already be half done. Her head is so loud she can’t even give it words, just feels it like a hand clenching and unclenching around her stomach. She puts on music, something loud, and takes a deep breath over and over again, trying to convince herself that she doesn’t have time to have a panic attack.

She grabs her keys and heads for the gym, where she knows she’ll find Jos.

Normally she’d wait for Jos to finish her sets, then sit quietly in the locker room while the older girl braids Tyler’s hair into two long plaits down her back. It’s the time Tyler takes to quiet and get focused, before Jos helps her wrap her hands and they head back out into the crowded gym. Tyler takes a few moments to watch Jos with her coach, her long curls in a high ponytail. It’s been so long since Jos has let her hair grow out, since she’s let it stay it’s natural color.

It reminds Tyler of when they first met, and it still tugs at her heart every time she sees it.

She doesn’t wait for her this time, does a half-way decent job of wrapping her hands, and grabs a pair of gloves before leaving the locker room. Tyler still doesn’t feel entirely at home in the gym. It was Jos’ thing, long before it ever interested her, and there’s a part of her that still feels like she’s invading Jos’ space. No amount of Jos’ encouragement, or instance that it’d be a good outlet for her, is enough to convince Tyler that she’s not making this is another thing they do together, never giving Jos something of her own.

Jos is finished by the time Tyler makes her way to the ring. She gives the younger girl a warm smile as Tyler ducks beneath the ropes, but it slides off her face when Tyler doesn’t return it. Tyler waits for Jos to slip off her gloves, pulling on the pads instead. She’s still not comfortable enough to spar, but Jos takes her through drills, building her endurance. Tyler knows she’s still in her head, can’t find the concentration she knows is required, and it’s just another thing that doesn’t go right during this fucking day. 

“Hey, you okay?” Jos’ eyes are soft, her voice quiet, and it just annoys her.

“I’m fine, let’s just go.”

Thankfully Jos seems to take her lead, putting her through combinations over and over. Each punch gets easier, its smack against the pad feels gratifying, but still Tyler can feel her frustration in her stomach, squeezing painfully. Jos watches her, giving nothing away, her only words an indication of where to punch. Tyler should be sinking into that place, where all she can feel is her heart thumping in her chest, and all she can hear is Jos’ cues, but still. Still she can’t.

“Take it easy.” Her punch slides past the pad and almost catches Jos’ shoulder. She doesn’t apologize, just squares up again, and something in Jos changes.

The older girl takes her through another combination, Tyler lands it perfectly, and Jos only says, “again.” They go through it once more, Tyler takes every cue, and still, “again.” Her breath is coming harder now, but Jos doesn’t seem to notice, just “again.” By the fourth go around she’s panting and starting to reach the point where she wants to ask for a break. Jos is always telling her this is the point, the point she has to push through, and Tyler thinks it’s crap.

“Again.”

“I need a break." 

“No you don’t. Again.”

“Jos—“

“Come on. You pissed off? You wanna hit something? Then do it.”

She’s taunting her. Tyler feels shame burn across her cheeks, and her stomach clenches painfully again. Her arms move independent of her head; she ducks without thinking about it and comes back for more. She wants to stop, wants a drink of water, needs to take a full breath.

“Come on, let’s go. Fucking hit it, come on.”

Her arms are burning, the cut on her finger aches inside her glove and all she can think about is this fucking day. Wakes up alone. Two people who love her more than anything in the world and she’s always alone. Can’t write a fucking song. The one thing that she feels like is her purpose, the one thing she can do. She should have an album written by now. They’re all waiting for her. Waiting for her to fail. It was too much too soon, they’re gonna burn out.

“Where’s your fucking head? Let’s go.” 

The whole gym is watching them, Jos’ voice is getting louder, and Tyler can feel their eyes on her. She’s weak, she’s a fraud, she pretends she belongs there but she doesn’t. Her hands are soft, and her mind is broken, and she’s half a person at best. She can’t even get through one day without fucking everything up. She doesn’t deserve Jos. She doesn’t deserve Jenna. She just wants to disappear. She wants to disappear forever and just sleep.

“Fucking hit me!”

Tyler’s glove hits the pad and it’s like everything goes with it. She slumps to the ground, gasping for breath, and Jos is suddenly there. The older girl wraps her arms around her, pulling Tyler’s head against her shoulder. Tyler doesn’t even know she’s crying until her body is suddenly wracked with sobs, and her gloved hands scramble for purchase against Jos’ back. It’s too much, all at once, and Tyler can’t think. Jos’ voice is in her ear, and it’s the only thing that keeps her anchored.

“It’s okay. I’m right here. You’re okay. I love you.” She repeats it over and over as Tyler cries. “I love you.”

At some point it starts to slow. When there’s nothing left, and Tyler feels hollow, slowly she starts to recognize the ring beneath her knees. Jos helps her up and together they walk back to the locker room. The younger girl lets herself be lowered onto one of the benches, her arms slack as Jos slowly removes her gloves and starts unwrapping her hands. Jos doesn’t speak and Tyler watches the layers slowing unwind, mesmerized. Her first hand free, Jos digs her fingers into the tissue between her knuckles, over the back of her hand and across her palm.

Tyler almost moans at the pain and relief in those warm hands.

Jos repeats the motions on her second hand, and once Tyler’s free she moves to sit behind her. Tyler’s eyes slip closed as Jos pulls the tie from her ponytail, her hair falling heavy against her back. With practiced hands Jos slips her fingers through the strands, untangling, dividing, and finally weaving the pieces together. Tyler tries to focus on the feelings, taking in slow breath after breath. Jos doesn’t hurry, doesn’t try to talk, just finishes one braid before starting on another, not bothering to secure them at the ends.

When she’s done she puts her hands on Tyler’s shoulders, and Tyler slowly opens her eyes. It’s quiet, even her mind is inaudible, and Tyler feels grounded in her seat. Jos’ hands slip down from her shoulders to wrap around Tyler’s chest, and Tyler leans back against her until her head rests on the older girl’s shoulder. Jos leans her head against hers, placing a soft kiss at her temple, and Tyler hums with contentment.

“Bad day?” Jos’ voice is whisper soft, and Tyler feels it like sunshine across her cheeks.

“It’s getting better.”


End file.
